Not only is it okay for couples to argue, it's inevitable. When done skillfully, arguing can facilitate emotional intimacy and connection.
If couples are fighting, they are communicating. When done skillfully, arguing can forge a path to repair and reconnection, ultimately bringing couples closer together and allowing each partner to feel more deeply seen and understood.
Relationships are the foundation for well-being. We are relational creatures, hard-wired for connection, love and belonging. We need it like the air we breathe. In relationships, conflict is inevitable. Fights, arguments, rows are all ways in which conflict is identified and attempted to be resolved. We get wounded in relationships and we heal in relationships. Couples argue for various reasons, and while it might seem counterintuitive, arguments can be productive and beneficial for a relationship. If couples are fighting, it means that attempts are being made to communicate feelings and perhaps needs. We all have a need to be deeply seen and understood. The likelihood of whether this happens will depend largely upon our conflict management skills. Integral to the success of any relationship is the ability to resolve conflict in a healthy manner. Ruptures will occur. The health and longevity of the relationship in many ways is dependent upon our ability to do repair. When done skillfully, arguing can forge a path to repair and reconnection, ultimately bringing couples closer together and allowing each partner to feel more deeply seen and understood. Arguing simply means we disagree and that disagreement is often fueled by strong emotion, hurt and a deep desire to be understood. Holding this awareness provides common ground for couples to stand upon and can neutralize defence responses that arise when we are in conflict. I feel hurt, something you did hurt or upset me and I want you to understand that. If someone is trying to convey this to you what that means is that they care enough about you and/or the relationship to broach it. There is an opportunity here that if seized, can be transformative, provided we are open to it and have the skills to navigate through it. Dr Sue Johnson, developer of EFT-emotion-focused therapy for couples, says, “When marriages fail, it is not increasing conflict that is the cause. It is decreasing affection and emotional responsiveness...” ― Sue Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love. In a future post we’ll look more closely at how to do repair and apology correctly as well a relatively simple but highly effective therapy technique to increase the likelihood that the conflict does not escalate and leads to reconnection.
When done skillfully, arguing can facilitate:
1. Communication: Arguments provide a platform for couples to express their thoughts, feelings, and concerns openly. It allows them to communicate their needs, desires, and boundaries, which is essential for understanding each other better.
2. Conflict Resolution: Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. Arguing allows couples to address conflicts head-on and work towards finding solutions or compromises. Through the process of resolving arguments, couples can strengthen their problem-solving skills and learn to navigate challenges together.
3. Emotional Expression: Arguing can serve as a release valve for pent-up emotions. It provides an opportunity for individuals to express their frustrations, disappointments, or grievances in a constructive manner, rather than bottling them up, which can lead to resentment or passive-aggressive behavior.
4. Clarity and Understanding: Engaging in arguments can help couples gain insight into each other's perspectives, values, and motivations. It allows them to learn more about each other's viewpoints and experiences, fostering empathy and deepening their connection.
5. Setting Boundaries: Arguing can help couples establish and reinforce boundaries within their relationship. It enables them to identify behaviors or actions that are unacceptable and communicate their boundaries effectively, promoting mutual respect and understanding.
6. Normalizing Conflict: Conflict is a natural part of any relationship and does not necessarily indicate a failing relationship. Couples who argue can learn to accept and embrace the differences between them, recognizing that disagreements are an opportunity for growth and learning.
7. Building Trust: Successfully navigating arguments can strengthen trust between partners. When couples are able to address conflicts openly and respectfully, it demonstrates their commitment to the relationship and builds trust in each other's ability to handle difficult situations together.
8. Improving Communication Skills: Arguing can be seen as a skill-building exercise for communication. Couples who argue constructively can learn to listen actively, express themselves clearly, and validate each other's feelings, which can improve overall communication within the relationship.
Again, it's important to note that not all arguments are productive or healthy. Far from it. Destructive arguing, characterized by criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling, what researchers and relationship experts Julie and John Gottman, term "the four horse men", can be detrimental even catastrophic to a relationship. While conflict is both normal and necessary it should also be infrequent. Several studies have shown that couples that are deemed as hostile, slow down their rate of wound healing by approximately 60% as opposed to couples deemed to be low in hostility. They also showed higher markers for inflammation. So while conflict can be constructive, ongoing, chronic conflict is not. There is an acute risk here if we cannot navigate conflict in a healthy manner, that constant arguing or it's opposite, stonewalling-ignoring and pulling away from one another, can lead to the dissolution of the relationship, while taking a toll on our health. The health of the relationship is greatly impacted by the frequency of the conflict and the quality of repair.
With support and skill, couples can capitalize on the potential for moments of conflict to become catalysts for deeper connection.
Couples should strive to engage in constructive arguments that promote understanding, empathy, and growth. It's common for couples to get stuck in unhealthy patterns which perpetuate a dysfunctional cycle that repeats, despite their best efforts. There is no shame in reaching out for help. We have to normalize and celebrate help seeking behaviour. Help seeking behaviour is positively correlated with success in all areas of life. I've said it before and I'll say it again, three of the healthiest words we can say are: I'm not ok, followed by I need help. In this case it would be, "We're not ok and we need help." Feeling stuck? Need help getting unstuck? Looking to improve your conflict management skills or would like to learn how to repair? Reach out.
Healing is possible. Hope is essential. Help is available.
Comments